Pillars of Eternity Guide for Super-New Players

AAAaaaaarrghghghghgfruglglglgluluuuu!

I’m seeing… myself.. from the outside! Ia Dagon! Ia Cthuhlu! Space and time have warped! I can feel my mind cracking under the strain of N-Dimensional thinking.

poe1

*Ahem*

So yeah. Sorry, too used to looking out of my eyeballs. Not used to looking out of a… window. At myself. Usually my arms and legs are invisible, too. Also, I accidentally thought the word “Tab” and somehow the cosmos labeled everything. For a moment, I may have believed I was actually a Great Old One.

The caravan master said I have a nasty fever and need some medicine. Naturally, he intends for me to go get the medicine myself, despite having chills, muscular weakness, and hallucinations of myself wandering around as a tiny guy.

So… not sure what to do now. Looks like I focus my eyes with scrolling.

I think “Alt” to myself for no adequately described reason and suddenly hunch over. I feel… stealthy. not sure what that actually does but should file it away for later.

poe2

I think “Alt” to myself for no adequately described reason and suddenly hunch over. I feel… stealthy. not sure what that actually does but should file it away for later.

poe3

Desiring to move over somewhere, I think “Right Mouse” and it just happens! There was no holding down an arrow key or “W” or nothing!

poe4

However, then I want to get this girl to follow me, too, so I drag down the “Left Mouse” until I grab everyone. Alright, working – working. Since I’m not satisfied with my weaponry (A piddly sword? Blech! I want my machine gun!”) I point myself at this merchant dude and Left Mouse like it’s going out of style.

poe5

Note to self: didn’t have to Left Mouse like it was going out of style. It wasn’t. However, suddenly my vision is obscured by a big wall showing his goods. Happily, this is no-haggle bargaining, which is good because it’s hard to bargain when I can’t actually look out of my own eyeballs.

Since there’s nothing particularly good to get, I just buy a lockpick. Because that’s how I roll!

poe6

And here’s the lock to pick! Fortunately, it doesn’t seem that I need to have any skill with anything whatsoever, because it just sort gesture in a menacing fashion at the lock and it comes open. Ha! Take that you stupid lockpick! That’ll teach you not to open at my command!

poe7

…Yes… yes, I do.

Fortunately, it doesn’t seem that I need to have any skill with anything whatsoever, because it just sort gesture in a menacing fashion at the lock and it comes open. Ha! Take that you stupid lockpick! That’ll teach you not to open at my command!

Not much in here except some Kool-Aid. (You can tell because it’s purple. Prolly grape.)

poe8

And now, with my left-mouse-selecting everybody party, we shall go forth.

poe9

Interesting enough, anything I can poke, prod, grab or steal seems to glow when I think “tab”. You are my special friend, tab!

poe10

I’m not sure what magnifying glass is floating on top of the road.

poe11

Huh… my entire life is being narrated. Or there’s an actual Elder God labeling the entire universe.

At this point, both seem equally likely.

poe12

Holy crap! Apparently, I’ve tapped into the satellite feed by thinking “m”. I suppose that stands for map” but I was hoping for a “multiplayer” option which doesn’t seem to be here. Oh well. I could without griefers today. The universe is causing me enough grief.

poe13

Holy crap! Walked around the corner and there’s an angry red circle!

Wait, nevermind. The circle is around a wolf, and he’s apparently rabid or something. Well, all I have to do is use my mighty weapon, “left mouse”!

poe14

And his circle turns into a sort of, floaty-white-target thingy. Either way, I’m running up to stab him.

poe15

Yeah! Eat sword, wolf! And my friend is bashing him over the head with a torch, too.

poe16

Lo! I have slain this local wildlife even though I’ve a fever, serious vision problems, and kleptomania! Truly, I am lord of these domains!

Now shalt I strip his carcass for my amusement.

poe17

When I grab the berries I need to stop dying a miserable, grinding death of bowel wastage, my friend decides to start talking. She’s a bit of a chatterbox for a badass fighter, but I’m good with that. She really listens to me!

And in turn I want to learn about her life. Hopefully I’ll meet her again later once this whole caravan thing is done.

poe18

WTF IDK?!

Oh. Just getting water, haha. No, I wasn’t freaked out by somebody suddenly BLASTING MY VISION WITH THEIR STORY!

Bleh, now I’m going to get some clean water. At least these flowing mountain streams are fairly clean apart from the mud and deer piss.

poe19

Oh, well… looks like we get to deal with psychotic murderers. That’s fine, too, I guess. Actually, what am I saying? Killing mass-murderers, zombies, and ninjas is right up my alley. I just usually do it with a rifle. They told me guns are in this game, but I haven’t seen one ONCE!

poe20

With two guys hanging around now, I need to split up to fight them. Master o’ tactics, that’s me! So I use my trusty “left mouse” and then click on my friend, then lefty again on Bad Red Circle Dude Number 1. Bad Red Circle Duded Number 2 is MINE!

poe21

Oops. Well, I meant to lefty-mouse one of these abilities I have, but it looks like I righty-moused instead. This tells me stuff. Maybe I will actually care about later.

poe22

Gives me a good idea, but turns out my pal here has a knockdown ability. I ask her to politely use it, and she does, indeed, knock Red Circle Bad Guy on his ugly butt. Ha! Not so tough now, are you Red Circle Gang?!

Time to get back to the camp, where my glorious achievements will undoubtedly be lauded by my peers.

poe23

WTF IDK?!

I leave you guys along for five damn minutes, and you manage to eviscerate yourselves. Or the Red Circle Gang did, but just between us, I don’t think they could kill time. I mean, geez guys – three of them killed like six of yours without a scratch. I killed, like four. And a rabid wolf who was just huge – did you see the size of his red circle?

And I think I stole their booze along the way. What have you accomplished today?

poe24

Vengeance for you is mine, if I cared. Which I don’t. However, I got to make them eat FLAMING sword. I think I shall name my sword “Left Mouse – Slayer of Red Circles.”

Together, with my new friend generic shady merchant dude and my pal the dudette, I hall go forth and defeat mine enemies unto glory! I am sure that our friendship will be a long one and take us to every place on the world map that’s worth naming because that’s how I usually find my archenemesis and kill him, her, other, or it. Of course my evil for has made one crucial mistake and revealed himself early. Now I know my true destiny!

Left Mouse and I are coming for you, Red Circle!

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